The Sorting Hat's Wife
by FoxSpringer
Summary: What happens when the sorting hat finds his dream girl? Read on to find out, it's time for some love for the sorting hat! Also, I don't own any of the characters, or make any money from them. Read and Review please!
1. Chapter 1

The Sorting Hat's Wife

"How the hell?" Hermione dropped her books down on the table, then walked over to her bed to examine the shabby hat that lay on her bed. "The Sorting Hat! How did this get in here?" She picked the hat up and ran a delicate finger over the brim, then gave a small jump when the hat opened its mouth and began to speak.

"Hermione! I've waited so long for your touch! Ever since I sorted you five years ago, I've dreamt of the day when I might again be placed on your head."

"What are you going on about?" Hermione glanced sideways at the hat, narrowing her eyes and moving her arm out to distance herself from the hat.

"Oh, Hermione, I've thought about you every day since that sorting. I've never seen a mind so beautiful, so full of intelligence and spark! And oh, how I loved your hair, so full and bushy. God, I've never had a head that filled me so completely!"

"Does Professor Dumbledore know where you are? How did you get here? How did you find my room, you creepy old hat!" Hermione made a move to throw the hat across the room, but the Sorting Hat cried out in a way that made her freeze.

"No! Please, Hermione, I've worked so hard to find you! It wasn't easy convincing Fawkes to fly me over here. Last time I asked, he shoved a sword up my ass and threw me to the basilisk!" Hermione considered the hat, watching as the folds which were his eyes contort into what she assumed was a look of pleading. She eyed him with both a glint of suspicion and intrigue.

"What exactly do you want with me?" The Sorting Hat's face brightened as he recognized his opportunity.

"Oh, I only want you to wear me on your head! I want to be your hat, just every now and again. I promise I won't be intrusive or demanding. Just a little bit of your time is all I ask." The Sorting Hat's eyes softened, his voice becoming a bare whisper. "It's so lonely; you have no idea, to wait all year long to be placed on such disappointing heads. So very disappointing, when every head pales in comparison to yours." Hermione listened to the cracking, pleading voice of the hat, and felt sympathy for his pathetic life. What could it hurt, to let the hat sit on her head every now and again, perhaps while she was reading in the privacy of her own bed? He did seem very sincere about his affections for her head, although she didn't completely understand what he meant about her hair filling him so completely. She grasped the brim of the hat with both hands, gave him a little shake, then placed him atop her head and pulled him down snuggly. Suddenly, the voice of the hat no longer came from outside, but inside her head. _Oh, Hermione! To be inside your mind once again! _She felt the hat push himself down onto her head farther, nearly covering her eyes. The hat felt uncomfortably tight on her head now, and she felt the hat begin to rock himself gently back and forth across her head, a slight moaning sound reverberating in her brain. _Oh, God, yes! It's all here, just as I remember. And your hair! Oh, God, it fills me more than I remember! Sweet, sweet Hermione, I never wish to leave your head! _The hat now began to increase the speed of his rocking, pushing himself harder and faster down upon her head, moaning in ecstasy as he scrunched himself down as low as he could, pulling his pointed tip down into her hair.

Hermione stood in shock, now understanding what the hat had alluded to earlier. He didn't want to just be her hat, he want to have sex with her head! _Oh, no, not only with your head!_ The hat rasped out between groans, _I want to make love to your mind as well!_ Hermione began to feel a soft tingle run down her body, then build into a warm heat between her legs. _Yes, Hermione_, the hat purred into her mind_ Oh, yes, you enjoy that thought, don't you?_ The sensation between her legs grew into a burning, and she began to remove her clothes. She slipped quickly out of her robes, unfastened her bra, then slipped her satin panties down her legs and kicked them across the room. _Mmm, black panties, yes. I've always been partial to that color!_ The hat continued his grinding motions atop her head, groaning softly with each thrust. Hermione's breath quickened as she lowered herself onto the bed, and then reached to close the curtains around the bed. _Touch your breasts!_ The hat rasped as lay down atop the sheets. Without questioning, she began to trace her breasts lightly with her hands, running her fingers across them until her nipples stiffened from the touch. _Squeeze a nipple for me!_ The hat sighed in pleasure as she obeyed his command, and then directed her to move a hand down her stomach, down to the throbbing moist mound between her legs. _Stroke yourself, Hermione._ The hat cooed to her. _Stroke yourself as I stroke myself against your head!_ The hat slowed his thrusts, and they completed their movements in unison. Hermione gave a raspy sigh as the hat began to quicken his movements, and she began to thrust her hips against her hand, moaning louder as she kept pace with his increasing gyrations atop her head. A shock of electricity ran through her body as the hat rubbed himself vigorously across her head. She screamed out in to him as she felt her body explode into orgasm. _Oh, God_ the hat sung out:

_The deeds been done_

_My songs been sung_

_To no lovelier head that yours_

_Have I sung such song before_

_In fact, you're the first_

_Whose allowed me to burst_

_A stitch of my felt,_

_And now it's been dealt,_

_Upon your head I'll lay my strife _

_For you are now the Sorting Hat's Wife!_

Hermione gingerly removed the hat from her head and placed him upon her chest, looking him lovingly in the eyes.

"Was it as good for you?" The hat purred into her cheek, rubbing the tip of his hat against her now wildly disheveled hair.

"It was amazing" she sighed into his brim, then gave him a tender kiss upon his mouth.

"So," the Sorting Hat straightened himself, "I suppose it would be fine if I were to stop by and see you every now and again."

"Anytime you like, Mr. Hat." The Sorting Hat let out a long, high whistle, and Fawkes flew through the fireplace and grabbed him roughly by the brim.

"I'll be back soon, then, Mrs. Hat!" he called out, as he flew back through the fireplace. Hermione reached out to grab her brush from the nightstand, and began to brush the tangles and pieces of felt from her hair.


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione lay in bed, reading her dog eared copy of _Hogwarts: A History_, for the hundredth time, when she heard a slopping thud against her window. She glanced over her shoulder and peered into the darkness, but saw nothing in the dark night outside the window, and went back to her reading. She was carefully scrutinizing any chapter that mentioned the Sorting Hat. After the passionate night she had spent with him the week before, she wanted to know how the sorting hat had become a sentient being. She relaxed into her pillow, and gave a small sigh as she thought about the hat, and wondered when she might see him once again. It had been over a week since she's seen him, and it was driving her crazy when each day passed without a word from him. Sure, she thought, he's a hat. But what a hat! _FLUMP!_ She heard the noise again. _FLUMP! FLUMP! FLUMP!_ Hermione jumped out of the bed, pulled her robe around herself and walked to the window to investigate. She wondered if it might be Ron's owl, Pigwidgeon, come to deliver her a letter. Or maybe it was Fawkes with the Sorting Hat! _No,_ she thought despondently, _No ,Fawkes would have come through the fire place. _She sighed, shuffled to the window, and threw it open wide.

"AIIEEEEEE!" She heard a screech erupt from the night. Squinting her eyes, Hermione saw a damp, black crumple of felt falling to the ground. Thinking quickly, she grabbed her wand from the night stand.

"Accio Hat!" The hat flew back towards the window, landing in her hand with a soggy squelch. "Oh, my goodness, what's happened to you? How did you get so soaking wet?"

"Oh, it was that damned Fawkes again!" Moaned the hat, as Hermione performed a drying charm on him. "He said he was tired of me going on and on and on about our night of love," the hat sighed and gazed lovingly up into Hermione's face. "And then he grabbed me and flew me out to the lake, and dropped me in! He said I needed to take a cold shower. When I get my brim around that bird, I swear!"

"Threw you in the lake! That's horrible!" She smoothed out the wrinkles that had formed on the hat, then straightened his tip. "How did you get up to my window? How did you even find it?"

"I've been searching all day, banging on windows. God, most girls just screamed and cursed me back out the window. Thought I was a boggy old bat, and sent me flying. Do you have any idea how hard it is to climb up these towers, when you're a hat? No, how could you, you're not a hat!" The hat slumped down in Hermione's arms, the folds which were supposedly his eyes turned down and he huffed out a small, sad sigh.

"What is all this about? Is this why you haven't come to see me all week? Because you're a hat, and I'm not?" Hermione dropped herself down onto the bed, placed the hat on the pillow beside her, and crossed her hands in her lap. "Well, I'm sorry, but you knew I wasn't a hat when you met me. It shouldn't have come as some great surprise to you that I wouldn't be able to sympathize with the struggle which hats face when it comes to love and locomotion." She tapped her foot on the floor with a sharp rap, and then looked at him testily. "If you have a problem with the way this relationship is going, you shouldn't have started it. You should have known there would be issues. You're a fucking hat!"Hermione leaped out of the bed and began pacing the room.

"No, sweetheart, no! It's not you, its me!"

"Oh, is it then!" Hermione shot a look of contempt at the hat, tears threatening to fall from her eyes.

"Oh, please, don't misunderstand me! It's just, I wish I could please you like a real man should! I'm just a goddamned hat. I'm just good for head sex, and nothing more. I'm pathetic. Pathetic!" The hat drooped over, convulsing with the sobs which overtook his body.

"Is this why you haven't come to see me? Is this what you've been going on and on about all week to Fawkes?" She sat down next to him on the bed, and threw her arms around him. "Well, no wonder he threw you in the damn lake. You should have come to talk to me about it." Hermione traced a finger lazily across the tear that was his mouth. "We could have worked this all out, you know. I enjoyed what we shared together."

"Have you ever been with a man before?"

"Well, no," she admitted, "But what does that matter?"

"Then you don't know what you're missing!" The hat sobbed, "How can I take that away from you!"

"If I've never had it, I can't miss it. Now why don't you jump up on top my head and let's see if we can't turn this night around for the better."

"Oh, baby, you know how to make a hat feel like a man!" The hat joyously exclaimed, then bounded up to her head and began the familiar scrunching and grinding sensation that Hermione remembered from their last meeting.

"Oh, yes, oh Sorting Hat!" She moaned as she struggled to quickly remove her clothes. "You know I love you just as you are, but can't I call you something other than 'hat' all the time?"

"Love, you can call me anything you want," the hat grunted out between thrusts "as long as you're screaming it!"

"Ohhhhh" She cried out in ecstasy, "Oh Gilderoy!"


	3. Chapter 3

Hermione thought she heard a scuffling sound as she made her way through the dungeons, and turned around sharply to see what had made it.

"What the holy hell!" She screamed as she saw a flailing professor Snape trying to pry a dark, tattered object from his head. At first she wondered what Neville's bogart was doing here, but then she realized that it, in fact, was not a vulture hat on Snape's head, but the Sorting Hat. Hermione stopped where she was, watching the potions professor struggle to remove the hat from his head and then, with a rather forced and robotic look, resume sauntering towards her.

"Gilly!" Hermione yelled, which is what she now called the Sorting Hat, "What in the world are you doing to Professor Snape!"

"_Ruuun!"_ Hermione heard a low, strained voice come from Snape as he seemed to struggle with himself to remain standing still. "_Stupid girl!" _He rasped between clenched teeth, "_RUN!"_ Snape halted briefly, seeming to be fighting the urge to move anywhere, then once again began his swaggering walk towards her.

"Hold on, my love!" The sorting hat sang out, "I've almost got him under my control!"

"What?" Hermione crossed her arms, and glared at the sorting hat in disbelief. "What have you got him under control for? What the fuck are you doing to him?"

"Hermione," her name echoed out from both the sorting hat and Snape at the same time, "I'm taking over his body so I can make love to you! The way you deserve!" It was now only Snape's voice talking, and the sorting hat sat upon his head with a look of deep concentration about him.

"You're using Snape to make love to me? Are you insane? What makes you think I want him?"

"Who else was I going to hitch a ride on, Dumbledore? Is that what you want?" Snape closed the distance between them in one smooth, flowing movement, and looked sneeringly into her eyes. "If that's what you want, I'll jump right down and go get him!"

"No!" Hermione screeched, "No, that's not what I want at all!" Hermione reached a gentle hand up to the hat on Snape's head and gave it a tender caress. "What was wrong with just us, Gilly? Why do we need someone else?"

"Because," Snape's voice whispered softly, "because I want to know what it's like to make love to you as a man. Head sex is just not enough for me anymore! It's not enough!"

"But Snape? What's he going to think of all this?"

"He won't remember any of this, I'm just using his body." Snape grasped Hermione firmly in his arms and pulled her close to him. "Look, haven't you ever seen _Ghost_?"

"What's seeing a ghost got to do with anything? You can't walk two feet around here without seeing one."

"No, no, no," Snape shook his head irritably, "Not a ghost, the movie! I'm talking about the movie!"

"What about it?" Hermione looked confused now.

"Snape's your Whoopi, that's what. Now do you want to use this body or not?"

"Oh, well, since you put it that way…" And with that, Hermione and Snape, with the sorting hat atop his head controlling his every move, proceeded down into the dungeons and had the same kind of hot, amazing sex that you've read about in every other Snape/Hermione fanfic. With the exception that Snape had a tatty old hat on his head. I mean, it really is an improvement, if you think about it.

Several hours later…

Snape lay motionless next to Hermione while she snuggled and tenderly kissed the sorting hat which was still firmly planted on his head.

"That was amazing, Gilly" Hermione sighed as she ran her hands around the gaping tear which was the sorting hat's mouth. "Making love to you through the use of a greasy git wasn't nearly as stomach churning as I thought it would be. I only threw up in my mouth twice." Hermione made a slight gaging sound in her throat, then gulped. "Oh, shit, make it three. I've got to stop thinking about it now or I'll make myself sick"

"Don't worry, my love" the voice now came calling out from the sorting hat. "It will get easier with practice."

"Practice?" Hermione sat up slightly stunned at this revelation, "You mean you want to keep doing this? I don't know if I can stomach any more of this crap. Can't you find someone else to use? I hear Lockheart's still up at , you know."

"It won't work," the sorting hat sadly whispered. "Snape's the only mind I can control."

"Why is that?"

"Look, it's a long story."

"I've got time."

"No, we don't. Snape's starting to gain control of his mind again." The hat scrunched himself down on Snape's head, his eyeholes furrowed in concentration. "You need to go. Now."

Hermione jumped out of Snape's bed, hurriedly threw her clothes on then headed towards the door.

"Hermione, I'm sorry you have to go like this," the sorting hat strained to talk, a mumbling sound issuing from Snape's mouth.

"It's ok, I understand, Gilly…" Hermione opened the door and turned back once more towards the sorting hat perched unsteadily upon Snape's disheveled hair.

"No, wait, Hermione." The hat looked at her, hesitated, then said through both his and Snape's voice, "I love you."

"I, I feel the same way, Gilly." The sorting hat smiled slightly, and at the same time, forced Snape to display a similarly ridiculous looking grin.

"Now GO!" They both shouted and Hermione ran through the door, slamming it shut behind her. As she made her way up through the dungeons, she was more confused than ever about her sordid sex life, which included now, not only the Hogwarts sorting hat, but the enigmatic potions professor.


	4. Chapter 4

Several weeks into the future, and Hermione and her dear Sorting Hat husband were continuing to make use of Professor Snape's body for their own shameful pleasures. Professor Snape, of course, was none the wiser to these sessions, and continued to skulk his way around the dungeon as we usually know him to skulk. Hermione had put it out of her mind that she was screwing Snape, and tended to shove the Sorting Hat down over his entire face not only to block the vacant blank staring from the professor, but also to sop up the drool that tended to splatter down into her face during some of the more intense action. So overall, everyone was happy with the way things were going. The Sorting Hat was thoroughly pleased that he no longer had to settle with the disappointment that was head sex, and Hermione was thankful that she did not have to brush all the damn tangles and lint balls out of her hair. So it was when Hermione found herself in Madam Pomfrey's care in the hospital.

"What the FUCK!" Hermione wailed as she jumped up off the bed, "What the fuck do you mean by 'pregnant'!" She grabbed the stick Madam Pomfrey was holding in her hand, and look at it skeptically with a squinted eyeball. "It's just a fucking stomach flu, that's all. It's been going around."

"Well, that's what it says." Madam Pomfrey took the stick away and threw it in the trash, then turned to close a cabinet drawer. "I know it might come as a bit of a shock to you, but honestly…what you've been up to in the dungeons with Professor Snape and that old rag of a hat isn't exactly a secret. I figured it would only be a matter of time before this happened."

"What do you mean it isn't a secret?" Hermione's mouth hung wide open at Madam Pomfrey's statement.

"Oh, Hermione, everybody knows. That hat's got such a mouth on him, he'll rip in half if he opens it any wider. Wish he would, too. Good riddance, I say. Damn hat's caused more trouble than it's worth."

Hermione seethed with anger as she ran through what she had just learned. Pregnant by a damn body she was only using to make love to a damn sentient hat that had blabbed about what was supposed to be a secret relationship. _Holy Fuck!_ She thought, _I'm going to rip that ass hat a new hole!_ She grabbed her robes, then hurried down into the dungeons to find the Sorting Hat. He had taken to hiding around down in the dungeons the last few weeks, partly because it was easier to catch Snape unawares, but mostly because Fawkes had been flushing him down Moaning Myrtle's toilet when he asked for a lift. Hermione thought it might be nice to give him a few dunks in toilet herself, then shoved her had into an open crevice in the wall, ripped out the Sorting Hat, and threw him down to the floor.

"So!" Hermione screeched at him through a red face while crossing her arms across her chest and tapping her foot anxiously. "Been telling many gossipy stories here lately?"

The sorting hat inched his way backwards, then looked up at Hermione with eyes wide in feigned astonishment. "What, uh, what are you talking about, my dear?" The hat forced an uneasy chuckle, then straightened himself up a bit. "I haven't been talking to anyone!"

"Oh, I'm so sure you haven't! Yes, and that must be why Madam Pomfrey knows all about you and me and our little ménage a trios with Professor Snape!"

"Listen to me, Hermione, you have to know, I didn't mean for her to find out!"

"Ah, so you have been talking about us!"

"It's not like that, Hermione! Listen, it was," the Sorting Hat shuffled uncomfortably. "It was for, uh, medical purposes! I didn't mean for your name to be mentioned in the conversation. It just slipped!"

"It slipped, did it!" Hermione squealed out in a feverish tone. "Well, I'd say that's not the only thing you've let slip here lately!" The Sorting Hat created a genuinely confused look in his eye wrinkles, and his mouth rip hung wide open.

"What are you talking about, I haven't let anything else slip!"

"Apparently you did, because I'm pregnant. Thanks a lot, you son of a bitch!" Hermione crumpled down to the floor as the reality of the situation hit her, and sobbed into her robes.

"Pregnant? A baby?" The Sorting Hat silently considered this to himself for a moment then softly said, "We're going to have a baby. We're going to be parents, Hermione, I can't believe it."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Hermione cut him off, "You're not having a baby, you're a goddamned hat! This is Professor Snape's baby, not yours. Are you mental?" The Sorting Hat hopped over to Hermione's side, and nestled against her side in what you would probably think was a hug if it weren't for the fact that it was a hopeless old hat, which makes the whole situation implausibly disturbing.

"Hermione, there are some things you really need to know. I didn't want to keep it from you, but Dumbledore forbid me to say anything."

"Wait, you mean Dumbledore knows about this?" Hermione shook her head with exasperation. " Dumbledore knows that his tatty old Sorting Hat is fucking around with one of the students, and he allows this to go on? What the fuck kind of shithole school is this? I mean, holy hell!"

"I know, I know," the Sorting Hat knowingly acknowledged this insanity with a swaying motion, "It's screwed up, I know it seems that way. More importantly though, its time you know the truth about me. And about us, and about this baby. First I need to find Snape, because you need to hear it from him." Hermione picked the Sorting Hat up off the floor, then walked through the dungeons to where she knew she would find Professor Snape, wondering what the hell Snape could possibly have to do with all this. Well, besides the obvious.


	5. Chapter 5

_Wow! Long time, no update! Sorry it's been so long in coming, I know you are all just dying to know how this crazy ass story will end. I'll try to get this wrapped up soon, and get the updates out as quickly as possible. Enjoy!_

Back down in the dungeons, Hermione snuck around the corner of the classroom, gently tossed the sorting hat towards Snape's office and waited in a dark corner while the hat bounced his way towards the door. A few minutes passed before the door creaked open and the sorting hat, seeing his opportunity, bounded up in a great leap and landed firmly on the potion master's head. For a brief moment, there was a struggle as Snape attempted to pry the hat off, but finally the hat gained the upper hand and Snape began his usual hat-induced strut towards Hermione. Snape eyed her with a smoldering look, which was revolting and unseemly to her, but she forced her eyes to meet his look. For the moment, something was peculiarly changed from the previous encounters she'd had with Snape under the hat's control.

"Something's different with you." Hermione cast a pensive look at the ensemble, and suddenly she was struck by the difference. "It's Snape, he's not all boggy eyed and drooling. He looks like he's aware." Hermione took a nervous step towards the door, sensing something had gone wrong. "What's going on, hat, did you fuck this up, too?" Snape took a quick step forward and grabbed her by the arm.

"Yes, Hermione, I would say this hat has fucked everything up." Snape looked down at her, the fiery look in his eyes threatening to burn straight through her. She jerked her arm away from him and turned to run, but Snape quickly reached out and grabed her sharply by the shoulders, spinning her into a tight embrace. "Not so quick, girl, we have a lot we need to discuss." Snape, the hat still scrunched low on his head in a seemingly deep concentration, gripped Hermione tightly by the arm and led her into his office.

"Have a seat, Hermione." Snape pushed her towards a mahogany leather armchair, and she fell unceremoniously into it. With a flick of his wand, Snape sent a glass and a bottle of firewhiskey clinking onto his desk. He sat down and poured himself a glass, drank it quickly and refilled it before resuming his unsettling eye contact with her.

"I'd offer you a glass," Snape began as he downed another shot "but it wouldn't be appropriate for someone in your condition." Snape slammed the glass on the desk and sounded out a high pitched peal of uncharacteristic laughter. "So, it seems you and the damned old hat have been having a bit of fun then. I can't fault you for that, my more emotional side can be quite irresistible." Snape paused to smirk at the confounded expression that began to spread against Hermione's face. "Oh, yes, Hermione, that's me in the hat. Well, more my emotions than actually me. Love, lust, pleasure, joy, happiness; all those raw emotions were put into the hat. That was Dumbledore's idea, to keep me from emoting anything other than hatred and pain and anger to the Dark Lord. That is the reason you see your potions master as such a dour, greasy old git. He's only half a soul." Snape paused to reflect on this for a moment "And the shitty half, at that."

Hermione sat in stunned silence. Her brain was working overtime to process what she had just heard. Was he serious? Could the sorting hat really be the gentler half of Snape's soul? The idea bounced around wildly around her head. Her feelings of denial quickly turned to feelings of anger and betrayal. She stood quickly from her chair, and paced back a forth while an uneasy chuckle forced its way out of her throat. "You're the hat. You're the fucking hat! What the hell, what the hell were you thinking?"

"Slow down, Hermione, I had no control over the hat's actions. When a soul is split that way, both halves control themselves separately. The whole person is no longer in control of what happens. Honestly, I'm just as shocked as you are." Snape rose from his chair and placed a gentle hand on Hermione's shoulder. "I had no idea that the part of my soul kept in the hat would be able to take possession of a body. That's why we put it in a hat, I knew it would be a total whore." Snape shrugged sadly and shook his head. "I didn't think it would be able to cause any trouble as a goddamned sorting hat. Obviously I was mistaken."

"You were mistaken?" Hermione pushed Snape away from her as tears began to roll down her cheek. "I fell in love with a hat! A sentient fucking hat which contained half the soul of a fucking git of a potions master. I'm in love with a goddamned hat, and pregnant by the goddamned professor. And all you can say is you were mistaken? WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT!" Hermione fell to the floor as her body was overtaken by sobs, and Snape lowed himself to the floor next to her.

"Look, I'm not the hat. I'm not even the Professor Snape that you've come to know. I'm a combination of them both. I know what feelings the hat had for you, and I know that those feelings were truly feelings of love. But the other half of me knows that those feelings were wrong. I'm not sure exactly how to proceed with this. But, Hermione, more than anything, I know that you have no business being in a relationship with a hat. Honestly, girl, what were you thinking? A fucking hat?"

"I know, I know" Hermione agreed, "But, seriously, that hat was just so damned hot!"

"Well," Snape concluded thoughtfully, "You are right about that."

"So where do we go from here?"

"I don't know, Hermione, we never planned on the two halves being integrated again. We'll have to talk to Professor Dumbledore about what to do."

"Damn it," Hermione whined, "I had a feeling you were going to drag this shit out into another chapter. Can't we just move past the angst and confused emotions and dive straight into the amazing sex?"

"Sorry," Snape shrugged his shoulders helplessly, "but this is the way these stories always go."

"Well, hell, let's get it over with, then."


End file.
